Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Eggs: Nature's Edible Abortions

Have you ever made eggs? Like sunny-side up or scrambled? Have you baked anything that required eggs? If so, you’ve probably had to crack one or two. Unless you have a breakfast butler that cracks all your eggs for you and does all of the menial morning tasks like pouring the milk and putting the cereal box away. In any case, it’s a fairly safe assumption that everyone (over the age of 12 and living in a part of the world that can afford eggs) has cracked at least one egg in their lifetime.

Why am I talking about cracking eggs all of a sudden? Why do I care so deeply about our shelled prey? Infomercials. Infomercials and retarded inventions. If you’ve ever stayed up late out of boredom, insomnia, impotent rage, etc. you may have seen a retarded infomercial or two. Lately, the one raising my ire has been the “EZ Cracker”. It is apparently the only way to crack eggs. To do so manually invariably results in pieces of shell in your baking and a mess on the counter. Of course, that’s only true if you use the caveman method: smash it with a rock. If you’re one of those people that understands how your hands work and is able to command them using signals from your undamaged brain, congratulations! You do not need a useless hunk of plastic to crack your eggs for you.

As with all informercials, the “EZ Cracker” (yes, I will continue to use quotation marks because “EZ” is actually pronounced “ee-zed” and “easy” is a real word) portrays the preparation of eggs and dishes requiring eggs as the most difficult task known to man. They even include the obligatory shot of a sour-faced woman pulling a piece of shell out of her mouth as she fails to enjoy her blueberry muffin. Oh, the “acting”!

In any case, the makers of this infomercial seem to think that separating the egg yoke from the egg white is too difficult for any mere mortal to accomplish. We need an attachment for the “EZ Cracker” in order to make anything requiring just the whites. No meringues or delicious [insert dish here]s for us!

Also impossible for our Jurassic-era minds to comprehend is the use of a fork. Apparently, scrambling an egg with a fork is a long-forgotten, ancient art left to those who cannot afford “two easy payments of just $10!” and who have not yet surrendered our dignity to television. What am I talking about? Well, the “EZ Cracker” comes with a companion! A “gift”, if you will (which you should not). The “EZ Scrambler” will scramble your eggs for you in the shell! Bet you never saw that coming! Because it’s entirely pointless. Scrambling an egg in the shell! serves no purpose other than making it seem like the chicken the egg came from had multiple seizures. Is it really so hard to crack open the egg and apply a fork to it? Well, if you ask the makers of the “EZ Cracker/Scrambler”, yes. It is. Also, if you ask them, people are made of bacon and ostriches run our school system. Or so it would seem.

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