Thursday, June 24, 2010


Not that. Get your mind out of the gutter.

This evening, Kendra came over and somewhere within one of our overlapping, very confusing (not even kidding, I have no idea what that chick’s talking about), and often-entertaining-only-if-you’re-on-crack conversations, we started talking about eggs. Maybe it was sometime during Cake Boss. I am not sure.

Oh, wait. Yes, I am. I had made myself toast and was informing Kendra that it was the best toast EVER. (Technically, it isn’t really toast; more like crispy bread. I hate when it turns brown. I just like when it gets a little crunchy and is all warm. Mmm…) It was peanut butter warm-crunchy-bread. Kendra and I both agreed that peanut butter is the best topping for warm-crunchy-bread, unless you’re eating it with eggs. Then butter is better. (Yup, totally made that “joke”.) It was then that we began our discussion on eggs: which kind is best, why Kendra’s wrong, what is the best way to eat the w-c-b and eggs together, etc. Personally, I love sunny-side up eggs. They’re just so cheerful, and the yoke is all runny, and holy fuck, I want eggs again. Anyway, Kendra thinks it’s gross to only cook one side of the eggs, so she prefers over-easy (DIRTY). However, we both agreed that scrambled eggs are the fucking shit.

Then Kendra went home.

A few hours later (or 20 minutes ago), I was sitting in the family room, reading the best blog ever, Hyperbole and a Half, and texting Jordan. He asked how my day was and I asked how work was going. This time I really don’t remember how we got on the topic of eggs. The entire process took place in my head and then came out as a random text saying “Ooh, that’s even better and I am jealous and holy shit, I want eggs.” Of course, that conversation became a discussion of what type of eggs is best. Scrambled won again. Apparently, Jordan makes awesome scrambled eggs (or so he told me), and I begged him to make me some soon.

I’m sure plenty of you are thinking, “Why not just make your own goddamn eggs? You’re so lazy!” And you would be wrong. I am not too lazy to make eggs, simply culinarily inept. (Nope, “culinarily” isn’t a word, but I don’t know the word that would fit there and mean the same thing.) After a few more minutes of conversation revolving around eggs, I really fucking wanted those eggs. So I used by best friend Google to find me a tutorial.

Rather than go through each step and tell you how much I sucked at it, I’ll just give you a rundown.

Gathering the ingredients and necessary tools was simple enough: I know my way around my own kitchen. I got two eggs, a frying pan, the milk, a mixing bowl, a fork (which was largely useless, so I switched to a whisk later on), salt, pepper, and other stuff. I would tell you the exact ingredients, but that’s a family secret. (Not really, I just forget what I threw in there.)

Once the ingredients were staring me down from the counter, it was time for my favourite part: cracking the eggs! Does anyone else find cracking eggs inappropriately satisfying? No? Just me, eh? Well, then…

So, after I put all the components into the mixing bowl, I attempted to mix them with the fork from earlier. Of course, like I said, it did nothing, so I grabbed me a whisk and got to work. Then, since I can’t do anything concurrently, I turned on the burner and melted some butter in the pan. Surprisingly enough, and freaking miraculously, I COOKED THOSE MOTHERFUCKING EGGS LIKE THEY OWED ME MONEY. I don’t actually know what that means, but those eggs were fucking delicious. Now I wanna make more, because two just weren’t enough. But there’s only one egg left in the fridge. And by morning I’ll probably be craving something else. I always am.

Actually, now I want KD Spirals. Fuck. That’s what I wanted like four hours ago. I need to start being awake in the day. Ooh! It’s almost day! It’s 4:49am! Meaning if I continue to not sleep, I can have KD soon. And by soon, I mean in like five hours.

I’m far too easily swayed. Also, telling Jordan what I was craving totally infected his brain, and now he wants KD Spirals, too. Sucker! I actually have some in the house! Man, I wish it was five hours from now. And I was awake.

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