Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Normally, I love summer. Or rather, I love the concept of summer: warm weather, non-sexual water sports (and sexual if you so desire), a lack of responsibility (until you hit a certain age or become a failure), etc. But as the years have progressed, so has my abhorrence for the summer season. “Why in the world would you ever hate summer?!” you may ask. Well, my dear friends, because of the sun. That hateful, evil bastard.

I have the skin of an anaemic, albino ginger, thus I constantly avoid sunshine. In the spring or fall, when the sun’s burning UV rays are not coupled with a dreadful, humid heat, I am a big fan of sunshine. In fact, I revel in it. But once the heat of summer hits, I become an amorphous, immobile, melted blob of flesh that refuses to relinquish its air-conditioned fortress. Yes, that is a lot of words to say, “I hate the goddamn heat and I am not leaving my central air!”

On Victoria Day, despite the unbelievable fucking heat, Kendra and I (along with her family), drove the 40 minutes to her camp to enjoy the beach. Except that this is northern Ontario, and it’s fucking MAY. It was freakin’ freezing. I decided that I preferred the icy chill of Lake Superior to the warm breeze above water. Unfortunately, after about an hour, the water’s freezing temperature drove me back to the dock and into the heat.

After swimming (and lying on the dock awhile), we went back up to the cottage to dry off and eat. The problem with that was that the cottage felt as if Satan had set up a sauna. And that motherfucker likes it hot. Fun fact, I also hate saunas. I’m not one who endures heat well. I tend to become physically ill, get headaches, vomit, pass out. I sweat right through two outfits sitting in that cottages, waiting to get the fuck out. I had fun down on the beach and in the water, but I cannot tolerate the heat.

And the main reason for my loathing of the sun: sunburns. Despite copious amounts of sunscreen (SPF 30), so much that I was practically drowning in it, I am burned everywhere. Ow. I know that in a few days I won’t hurt anymore, and in the mean time I can apply aloe vera (that sticky bastard) to relieve the discomfort, but every TIME! Every fucking time I go into the sun during the summer it manages to burn me! Also, fuck the heat! I hate it! Yes, summer makes me angry.

Fun science-y fact: The water at the bottom of every lake is 4 degrees Celsius, because water is densest at that temperature. That does not include lakes and bodies of water whose mean temperature exceeds 4 degrees. Or something to that effect.

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