Thursday, June 24, 2010

WHAT THE HELL, HP?

I HATE YOU, COMPUTER! YOU’RE SO FREAKIN’ SLOW AND FREEZE-Y! (Not to be confused with Freezies, because those things are the shit.) Anyway, I’ve had this computer for two years, since sometime in the summer of ‘08. My friend Pat got himself a fancy new computer, and since this one was a brick of shit, he gave it to me for free. Sweet deal, eh? Well, yes, but now it’s dying and I want to smash its face. It’s always been dying, but now it’s going faster. He’s sent this thing in about a dozen times to get it fixed and they’ve never managed to get it right.

Today, as with pretty much every day that I bother turning it on, Computer is ridiculously slow. After every song, winamp freezes for a few seconds, leaving me wondering what the hell song I put on this playlist that has a big, empty silence before getting to the point. Then I remember there is no MCR on this list and it’s just my shitty computer. MSN is also evil and slow. I am only talking to one person, but every time I click the conversation, the whole computer just stops for a second. In that one second, my rage flares and I vow that I will destroy this monstrosity! Then it all goes back to normal and I’m like, “What the fuck? What just happened?”

So I’m really hungry. I should probably go upstairs and get food, but I still have to take one more Tylenol and I don’t want to come back down here and have to take it later. Meaning in ten minutes. Ooh! Unless I make Kraft Dinner! We have three cheese. That shit’s delicious. Okay, back to Tylenol. Right. So, swallowing pills is very difficult if you’re me. I usually have to break each pill into halves or quarters in order to trick my esophagus. Firefox is telling me there’s an ‘o’ at the beginning of esophagus. Is it really oesophagus? Fancy. Anyway, pills. My throat closes up and sobs like a Russian orphan (what?) when I attempt to force pills down it. Most often I have to drink milk (chocolate works best) to actually swallow pills.

I’m not sure why I have so much trouble swallowing things, and yes, that is dirty. Maybe it’s because I was a retarded child. I somehow managed to choke on such things as an intact dorito, a full ice cube, and soap bubbles. Soap. Bubbles. I have no idea why I had soap bubbles in my mouth, or why I was trying to drink them. If that’s what I was trying to do. Either way, since said incident, I always check my glass before drinking to make sure no wayward bubbles are waiting to ambush my tonsils.

I think I’m going to eat things. But I don’t want to make food. Or maybe I do. I don’t know. I still haven’t taken that pill. It’s sitting beside me on the couch, mocking me. Staring at me with its shiny, red coating and black-ink eyes. Technically, those are the zeros in “Tylenol 500”, but whatever. They look like eyes. And they’re staring.

...

The battle is over! I have won! But it was a close call. I broke the pill in half at first, figuring I could handle it in halves. I took a practice sip (using Diet Pepsi is not recommended), and then went in for the real thing. But I didn’t take enough pop. The pill became stuck to the back of my tongue, almost choking me, but not really since it’s a little pill. I quickly took another sip, washing the evil pill away and into my stomach where it screamed and died horribly, being eaten up by acid.

The first skirmish convinced me to break the remaining half in half again, and attempt the task in quarters. That part was much easier. The last quarter, however, was quite the show. There was flailing of the arms, hilarious faces, swishing of liquids, etc. It’s quite the performance, watching me take pills. I often look like I’m fanning myself, but I’m really just flailing. The best is when I’ve just had a particularly difficult time swallowing a pill (or pill fragment). Once I swallow another sip of whatever drink I have, to wash away any remaining pill dust, I stick out my tongue and contort my features into something that has been referred to as my “Tomato Face”. Not because it looks like a tomato, but because it looks like I just ate one. I do not like tomatoes.

So I’m going to go make food. I was informing my MSN friend of this, and I almost typed “I’m going to go make phone”. I think I’ll call it “making phone” from now on.

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