Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Breakfast Cereals

Have you ever noticed that most ads for cereal add a descriptor before the actual word "cereal"? Breakfast cereal. Children's cereal. Non-lethal cereal. (Wait, that one's real, right?) I never gave it much thought until right now. I was reading an article on Cracked.com which used the phrase "breakfast cereal" and I began to wonder: Is there another, super-secret cereal line designed specifically for lunch and/or dinner? Do they have special mascots that dress for the evening? ARE THERE RAVE-EE-OHS? All I'm picturing right now is a really cute girl dressed as an extra from A Midsummer Night's Rave or that episode of CSI, using a "glow-stick spoon" to shovel Froot Loops look-a-likes into her bra. I have no idea. There might be orange involved.

As I've long ago begun to suspect the existence of a magical being known as "Breakfast Santa" (yes, I do watch too much Gilmore Girls), I also suspect that he would be the one to create and market those mystical mouthfuls of afternoon delight (the kind without the sex). So I've figured out the who and the how (and quite possibly the what, only without fancy/funky names), I just need to understand the where. (Why doesn't matter. It's cereal. It's awesome.) Where would one procure such items? I've never seen them at the grocery store. I don't think... Unless they're hidden in the disgusting brands of cereal that no real person eats.

ALL-BRAN? It must be a ruse!

Only those in the know buy the vile product, and then when they return home to enjoy their groceries, they tear back the false front to reveal that adorable druggie from the Rave-Ee-Ohs (I'll work on the name) and pop open a farm-fresh batch of glowing goodness. Oh! And it comes with the spoon!

OH MY GOD, THEY'RE REAL?! The cereal totally exists!

I'm fairly certain that all of this will lead to nothing, but I'm expecting a discreet e-mail in the next few weeks letting me into their mega-exclusive club and offering me their tasty dinner cereals. I'll keep you posted.

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