Sunday, October 3, 2010

A Bit More Serious

It's normal to feel like shit when someone close to you passes away or when you lose your job. It's normal to feel terrible in response to terrible things. And I've finally figured something out. I always thought I was a horrible person because I wanted terrible things to happen. I couldn't really explain why I felt (and feel) that way, but I read something that made me see the answer.

I'm depressed and I feel horrible 90 - 95% of the time. There's no real reason for me to feel that way, so I subconsciously want something terrible to happen. Then there will be a reason for my feelings and people will understand why I'm experiencing them. I feel as if I don't have a right to my emotions, so if there were a tragedy I would be allowed to feel the way I do.

I know it sounds crazy, and to be perfectly honest, it is. I don't actually want something bad to happen. I just want permission to feel what I feel.

This probably doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me it's a mini-epiphany. Which is a mini-triumph. You can't combat something if you don't know what you're fighting.

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