Thursday, April 7, 2011

Urge to Kill Rising

Tuesday nights here mean two things: a panzerotti deal at Ricardo's and cheap night at the movies. I'm sure you know which one is relevant to my interests. And as with every Tuesday, Jordan and I were on our way to the movies.

I was particularly excited this week because we were going to see Insidious, the latest James Wan horror, starring Patrick Wilson (Hard Candy, Watchmen) and Rose Byrne (28 Weeks Later, Get Him to the Greek). Patrick Wilson on his own is scary enough, but Insidious was looking better and creepier with every passing trailer. When we got to the theatre, the concession lines were long and time was short. Jordan waited for popcorn and I ventured forth to save us seats.

The ideal seats in our theatres are the seats in the second row from the middle (there's a walkway between the upper and lower seats), behind the wheelchair seats. Why? Because there's a bar conveniently placed to hold your feet and the next row in front of that is a good ten feet away. Thus no giants sit in front of me and block my Keebler Elf eyes.

Luckily, there were two available seats exactly where we like them. I sat three seats in so Jordan would be able to put a buffer between me and the aisle. Sitting next to the aisle is more terrifying than anything onscreen (yes, I have many quirks). Comfortably settled, I awaited Jordan's return.

Normally, I am not a patient person. I watched the entrance to the theatre like a die-hard fan looking for their favourite singer from the nosebleed section. After what felt like a long while, I checked my phone (which I'd already set to silent) and found a text waiting for me. Jordan was asking if I was in our usual seats. I texted back, but since his text was four minutes old, I began to worry that he had already come in and I'd somehow missed him. Another five or so minutes passed before I was able to make out his general shape entering theatre 9. I waved him over and we arranged our movie watching space.

Keeping track of time when inordinately impatient isn't easy, so I'm not sure how long it took, but after what felt like another 10 minutes, a couple came along the row we were in, walked right up to us, and said, "Could you move down a seat?" No, that's not rude. It isn't. If you intend to use the seats that you requested be vacated. Did she? Of course not. Still, that's not such a big deal, but I wasn't entirely comfortable moving closer to the aisle.

That was where the anger started. Yes, very small things can set me off. At that point, it was just annoyed grumbling and a few choice swears muttered quietly to Jordan. Then the seats directly behind us were taken. By someone who apparently had the "jimmy-legs" since he couldn't stop kicking my chair. I was getting a little aggravated, but nothing homicidal yet.

(From here on out, there's gonna be a lot of profanity and offensive terms. Really offensive. Seriously. If you're opposed to that, I suggest googling some bunnies. They're better than anger and yelling. And so fluffy.)

It was my own fault for sitting in front of (very giggly) teenage girls during a horror movie. And when I say "very giggly", I mean they didn't shut the fuck up once. The worst was when their retarded leader walked into the theatre, cell phone in hand, and literally fucking YELLED, "I'M BACK!" while cackling like a schizophrenic hyena mated with a particularly vocal donkey.

Their brainless guffaws punctuated the previews and soon enough the opening scene. I shushed them (very angrily at that point -- it's a good thing I didn't have a weapon. Or muscles). Of course, that only made them laugh louder. I considered getting the manager (which I did once when a similarly frustrating group of fucktards acted like game show contestants during The Omen in 2006), but I wasn't willing to miss any of the movie. I just sat there, quietly fuming and plotting my blood-soaked revenge.

Sadly, it wasn't just a few randoms morons that put me on the crazy train that night. At random points throughout the film, large groups of idiots burst out laughing. When nothing funny happened. I mean, the film did have some very comedic moments, but these freak fucking chuckle-booms began long before the comedy did. Neither Jordan nor I could figure out what the hell was so damn funny.

But as far as the film itself went, it really was fantastic. Terrifying, horrific, jump-inducing, and holy-shit-fucking-scary. Some parts of it were a bit predictable, but still more than worth the money. Just don't go on cheap night if you value your sanity.


  1. That really sucks :( I had a few similar bad experiences when I went to see Gran Torino and The Blind Side. No-one kicked my chair, but there were people who were unbelievably annoying.

    When I went to see The Blind Side, one woman's cellphone rang a few times and she had a few phone conversations during the movie. Also, the same woman thought it would be really funny to repeat a few of the lines that were in the trailer during the scenes they were being spoken in the movie. Eventually, that stopped and I was finally able to enjoy the movie.

    When I went to see Gran Torino, the rest of the audience I was in seemed to think it was hysterical every time Clint Eastwood used a racial slur, so I had to try to put up with loud, obnoxious laughter for about 95% of the movie. Despite being very annoyed, I somehow managed to follow the movie and thought it was great.

  2. I feel your pain, my friend. Especially with the cell phone and repeated lines. I watched The Invention of Lying with a friend and every time Ricky Gervais lied, she would say, "The invention of lying!" like I didn't already know what I'd put in the DVD player.

    As for the phone, the "I'm back" chick's friend was on the phone during the previews. Not as bad, but still damn annoying. There should be a bouncer for theatres that kicks out loud and annoying people.