Friday, December 9, 2011

Sober

Usually, I try to keep the depression talk out of my blog (and look how well I've done, right?), but I'm having a bit of a tough time right now and somehow it's easier to admit that to the internet at large as opposed to one person at a time.

I've been somewhat self-destructive lately and it's going about as well as you would think. I was spending all of my time out, seeing people, spending time with less-than-favourable individuals, and partaking in more than enough alcohol to last 6 months, let alone 6 weeks. It all ended when, last Saturday, I was at a friend's house-warming party and got fall-down, black-out drunk by 10:30 at night. I don't remember most of what happened, but I remember enough to be ashamed.

The hardest part now is that no one believes me when I say I'm going to stay sober. Everyone who hears me say that I've quit drinking laughs and greets the news with a patronizing, "Sure you are." It's a lot more difficult to stay away from something when no one believes you can. The night after the party, a guy I met there (we spoke for ten minutes -- that I remember -- and nothing happened) added me to Facebook. I told him on there that I was never going to drink again. Considering Saturday's performance, I can see why he wouldn't believe me, but after messaging me on Facebook for a week and getting the same story every time (personal prohibition), you'd think it would sink in. I got a message from him tonight asking if I wanted to party tomorrow night.

The sad thing is, my self-destructive side is all in. The smarter, less alcoholic part did the right thing and turned him down. I'm determined to remain sober and I'm seeing someone. It may not be going as quickly as I would prefer, but I'm not going to go off with some other guy. I hate how much I want to go back to acting like a dumbass.

Maybe posting this online, on my public blog, is a bad idea, but it never gets any easier to ask your friends or family for help when you need it.

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